Finding words

I've been struggling to find words I feel are worth writing of late. 

Of course the first conclusion I jumped to was that I was done - nothing more of use would come of my writing. But then I thought of other women around my age, in particular the amazing poet who I once met leaving early as I was arriving late for a writing event. Why was she leaving? She said it was because there was nothing she could say. I tried to convince her otherwise, but I failed, and I was horrified that we missed out on her voice because of what I could only think was a crisis of confidence.

Lately that same thing has been happening to me. I've attended events, feeling like I ought to go, like I'll enjoy it when I'm there, and then I've not enjoyed it. I've found myself unable to write anything I'd want anyone else to hear, ashamed of my awfulness. I found myself looking at my writing and thinking, who would care anyway?

A lot of this I'm putting down to perimenopause - I'm at that time of life where women seem to become somewhat invisible, no longer valued for being young and attractive, and so no longer listened to, while also undergoing hormone shifts that can make us feel anxious and lacking in confidence.

And of course this is real life, there's never just one thing happening. I'm navigating grief, and I'm trying to do the best for my kids and my various work endeavours and volunteering against the backdrop of the ongoing scream of the coronavirus pandemic, disrupting everything, making everything difficult and complicated.

I decided that this was a good time to focus on getting my work out there, and so I've been busy submitting, which has been going fine (more details on where to find my poems here), but I was missing my creative fix, so I was very interested to hear about Artist's Dates. These are an idea from Julia Cameron - author of The Artist's Way (who also came up with Morning Pages, which so many people find useful to get the day kickstarted). With Artist's Dates you do something fun, once a week, which can help get you excited and fill up your creativity. Find out more here.

With the idea of doing something that stimulated creativity and play I started going to things that weren't about poetry, but I thought would be fun. One of these was a bitch and stitch type group from Beyond Form Creative Writing, who offer lots of great courses and events and are well worth checking out. I joined a group of writers from all over who were working on various textile projects. It was so nice to be in such a diverse group of creative people, with no pressure to perform. We could just chat and delight in what each other was doing. The first time I went we all stayed on after it was supposed to have finished, just hanging out in this lovely virtual space. Someone asked me what I was writing at the moment, and I said I just couldn't find words that seemed worth writing, and people talked about others feeling the same way, and one beautiful person made a suggestion: use other people's words - cut them up, erase them, find my voice in other people's.

I'd come across found poetry before, but never tried to 'write' any. This suggestion sent me off trying to find out about the different techniques. I raided my scrap paper drawer, I eyed up the withdrawn books in my library. I played, I glued and coloured and found things I loved. I tore things to bits and enjoyed messing about. I didn't mind things not being good. I accidentally made things that were good. I had fun. 

[Image of a poem using words from Rubber Existentialism by Iona Gibson, Something More Than This by Niina Tsuyuki Oubik, Minutes from a Parent Council Meeting, Notes from a writing workshop by Alison Craig, all on a background of an image from an old Gudrun Sjödén catalogue, glued into my Ottergami notebook. Poem reads I / dream that / something can be done / Something more than this / a starting point / no matter how fragile / a way of deep-mining / the glimmer of an idea / I don't feel / feel rather than think, / that / my worth ... is disposable.]

To be honest, I felt really excited about creating poetry again, and just kept wanting to try things, find out more. I went on an Artist's Date to Erasures, an amazing event at StAnza poetry festival which included Alice Hiller and her astonishing work using erasure to discuss her experience of grooming and childhood sexual abuse. There is so much more on her website, here.

I still have a lot to explore in found poetry and Artist's Dates, and I'm still finding it hard to think, let alone create, but at least I don't feel bad about being bad at found poetry, and I don't believe you can get good at anything unless you're willing to be bad! So I'll keep playing and trying new things and enjoying the process.